Mom, Dad…

PL∀Y


For some time now since my last post, much has changed. I have wrote and rewrote and drafted like crazy. Then, I have read and reread and studied like crazy. After what comes… love. I have loved and loved and I am still loving like crazy. A conclusion I have settled with is this; it’s scary how fast time moves past you when life is happening… and when life is not happening, times does not move.. it runs.

I wanted to write something… anything.. but I couldn’t deny the fact that this story that you are about to read.. it needed to get out. Now.

It was about time. It needed some light and maybe.. I don’t know really..

 


Dedicated to a dear friend.

…….

It must be love.

My parents, mom and dad.

How can it not be?

I mean.. They made me and all. Not molded me, but they were the reason I was born.

Plus God of cause.

Along the way between me being born and being raised, they parted and went their separate ways.

I never got a clear answer as to why

What happened?

All I had to understand was this; It’s complicated, we just grew apart from each other.

They both love me very much and I love them too. Very much.

But they do not love one another anymore. The relationship just couldn’t work.

Dad said; It’s complicated child.

Mom said; you will understand when you are older.

I think that I am older. I mean, I’m passed teenage life already. Still…

I don’t understand.

I look a lot like dad, but I have a lot of traits that resemble mom too.

Every time I visit dad, he shouts out; I love you kid! The same does mom; I love you my darling!

If I look like dad and like mum, why don’t they shout out to each other; I love you!?

It would seem as if I don’t resemble any of them.

But I do.

They all tell me that I have mom’s eyes, dad’s nose, ears, mouth and even smile.

Apparently.. I inherited Mom’s stubbornness and Dad’s hard working personality.

Since I was a toddler, I have never once stopped looking up to them.

I still do. They are my idols.

When they went their separate ways.. I didn’t cry. It was complicated. I was too young to understand.

They told me; be strong.

I guess that I… I was too young to understand what complicated meant..

..but it never stopped me from wondering one thing; if I resemble them both, am I then a constant reminder of the love they lost?

Whenever I smile at Mom, does she see Dad?

and.. whenever I look at Dad, does he see Mom?

They all told me that I am an individual of my own…

…that I will grow to be a great person one day…

..that I will understand why life at times must be complicated..

..that it all would make sense..

My Aunts and Uncles would sing it in my ears, until I believed it; I am an individual.

But I have to be honest…

I am struggling to understand how a Love that once was burning and passionate..

..can fade away between the two..

and I am still in the Middle..

.. and still Mom and Dad, they do love me.

I am a product of both of them.

The complications has yet to be uncomplicated.

No matter how much I go through it all.. it makes no sense whatsoever.

And why do they all keep yelling out that I look so much like Mom and Dad!?

And again; why is there only coldness when Mom and Dad see one another!?

It is still complicated to me.. and I have grown up.

Or so I think I have.

Maybe there was a lot unsaid.

Maybe they didn’t communicate at all.

Maybe life with me was a lot more than what was bargained for.

Maybe we all just hit a big rock.

Maybe I was the reason to it all…

… I don’t know… and I think that I don’t want to know either.

and even though I might never be satisfied with the answer, I am glad they love me still.

Because I love them too.

Mom, Dad.. despite the complications that went down (and those that still are), I am glad I made it in life (and that I am still making it in life).

I love you both.

Maybe I will understand once I get to experience Love..

I hope that I will when I embark on the trail of Love..

I hope I will avvoid the complications though..

I really hope so.

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Was I wrong

Don’t assume this is a love story to you. It is just what it is. An apology.

Last time we spoke was a while ago. Maybe too long.

I started thinking that you pulled away. Had enough.

Then when I thought it couldn’t be worse. You didn’t even say hello. You just kept busy, your face taped to the screen.

As if no one had entered the room.

I was left blank. With no words. I didn’t even dare look your way. I just walked quietly, found my seat and sunk in.

I asked myself; why did we leave things this way | Why did we let go of us | Had I grown up too fast? Too slow?

You used to make me laugh so hard I would get stomach cramps.

We used to make fun of each other.

You used to be here, but now you are … I don’t even know anymore.

You used to be the one that constantly told me I was beautiful. It mattered. I miss it.

Now, all I see is a Halo. Did I leave too soon? Was I wrong? Should I apologize?

I went on with life, thinking it did not matter. I shut you out, closed my heart for you and threw away the key.

I didn’t look the direction the key landed. I was hoping to not find it again.

Yesterday the key found me.  I have not used it. I am hesitant. Afraid of what it might unlock.

I feel like, this time, you don’t see me.Hope

 I want to apologize, say; I am sorry. I feel sad for the days we wasted being apart.

Yet, I feel frozen. Why can’t we look pass this?

Can you forgive me? Can you really? Forgive? Me?

I was young. I believed in Happy Ever Afters. Maybe I was naive. Maybe I still am.

We are a little different, you and I. I am not ashamed. You shouldn’t be either. Difference was what  got us together.

It just hurts to admit defeat. Is that all we were?

You entered my life. Rapidly. Spared no time at all. Gave your all. Good and bad. It didn’t matter.

The memories scattered. I ripped our pictures apart. Cut you out.It seems harsh, I know. I had to. I  was broken. Maybe I still am.

Life didn’t wait, it never waits. At least it didn’t wait for me.

A new one entered my life. Patched the pieces together. Made me whole. Finally.

But I never stopped thinking of you. You used to be my best friend. I used to believe in BFF.

Can we fix us? Is there enough glue? Is there you and me? Is there?

You matter to me. At least you mattered a whole deal. I want you back.

But it seems too late. I didn’t think I would let things go this far. I am sorry. I truly am.

Maybe it was for the best. I don’t know.

Now, we are not enemies. Just not friends. I miss the friendship.

Now and then, when we bump into each other, the conversation goes something like this;

“Hi, How are you? 
Good. And you?
Good. Long time.
Yes…”

There is so much sadness underneath every word. We both know it.

There are so many words unsaid, unheard and burried. It’s obvious that we are not going back to where we once were.

With the dry conversations, it seems like we are trying to save whatever is left. When actually nothing is left to save.

But to open the wounds, is too much to demand. So we carry on. Hurting one another the way we know how to, not because we want to.

In my Happy Ever After world, we would still be friends. I would not have left things get as far as they did. I would have swallowed my pride and apologized.

It took me a while. To swallow my pride, and come to this point. To say; I was wrong. My apology.

But so were you. To let go of us without a fight.

This is all we are. All we will ever be. Not enemies. Not friends. Just two people who used to know each other.

Thank you for the memories. Thank you for the laughs. Thank you for the tears we shared. Thank you for your friendship.

Most of all, thank you for loving me.

Barby ♣

Unscripted

Hi.

I was first hesitant to write to you, but my fear of letting the world know who I am wandered off and I found my braver side, so here it goes. Unscripted.

I have been reading your words for some time. I keep drowning in your words. No matter how long, your words are inspiring.

Thank you for putting a lot of effort in them and a lot of care. But mostly, thank you for putting a lot of love in your words.

You have a gift that is rare to find, that is special, that is unique and that is uplifting. Thank you for sharing that gift. With me.

Thank you for not fearing what I would think or say, for not being afraid to be judged by your words. Thank you for taking a chance and writing words that are feared by so many, but that still needs to be heard.

I don’t know you like a mother knows her child, but I got to know you through your words. I have gotten to know the person you really are, the person I could have never have guessed existed if I only looked on the surface.

I like you.

I want you to know that I am so grateful that you are who you are, and keep aspiring for more and reaching for good.

Through your words, you have inspired me to be better, to do better and most of all to know better.

A big part of me is even loving differently.

So here goes. Me. Unscripted.

I am a girl, living in Norway. Studying.

A lot of things I stand for are not socially accepted. I’m ok with that.

I’m loud, I laugh loud and I speak loud.

It seems like everything about me is loud.

It seems like you are not bothered with my loudness. I like that.

I enjoy life just enough (maybe too much).

I struggle at times to make the ends meet, but I brave myself, put on a smile and toughen up.

I do this every day. Almost.

I tend to cry over things and situations that are unfair. It does not have to involve me.

I tend to smile randomly and laugh when you shouldn’t be laughing.

I have a vivid imagination. I wish I lived in it.

My name is Barbara.

Having a name like Barbara, you are bound to have a whole bunch of nicknames. For now, Barby is my favorite.

I am not plastic.

My voice can be very annoying. I am born this way.

I often don’t understand fashion.

Once in a while I get asked the question; what would you do differently if you got a chance to start over?

I always have the same answer; nothing.

I would do exactly the same, experience exactly the same and live exactly the same (and hopefully have exactly the same mindset).

The experiences (good or bad) I have had in my life have shaped me and made me (literally) to who I am this day.

Let me share a few:

I have had my heart broken a couple of times, and each time I thought I wouldn’t survive it, but from every blow and every tear I shed, I’m glad I had those love experiences.

They have helped me see and understand what I want out in a relationship. And as inconsiderate as that sound, I stand by it.

I admit that I go in a relationship wanting something.

We all do.

Some of us want to feel close to someone, others want to share moments or experiences with someone. Some of us want to show off to others that we are not complete loners (and that is ok too), and for some of us, we are searching and looking for that someone to share our days with, our dreams with.

We are all looking for something in the other person.

The attraction never lasts if you are looking on the surface; he is handsome | she is pretty.

The attraction lasts the moment you see past the surface, the moment you start scouting what hides underneath. The attraction turns into a deeper feeling: love.

It does not matter if you are transparent, there are still things you wouldn’t show the world. Be it your secrets, your fears or your dreams.

I have failed in so many things, in so many ways. I am alive today because I keep getting up and keep moving forward.

If I ever gave up, I would be… I don’t want to know actually.

I have done embarrassing things, and oh man I have been embarrassed in so many situations. It didn’t kill me, actually it is the reason I can laugh it out loud with my friends today.

Last year I took on my superwoman suit on and travelled by myself to South-America (a small step for humanity, a huge step for me)!

I met some amazing and inspiring people.

I learned a new language (Spanish).

I ate so much (that I even gained weight!).

I laughed my hardest and loudest.

I danced in the streets of Buenos Aires and went clubbing in my pajamas in the clubs of Lima.

So many people touched my heart and opened my eyes to a whole new world.

And to top it all, I even got sick. A LOT! I got so sick that we had to rush me to the hospital, and no matter how horrible it sounds, the experience was worth it.

All of my experiences in life were worth it.

Because if I didn’t have them, I would miss out on a lot!

A lot of KNOWLEDGE.

A lot of great PEOPLE.

A lot of FOOD.

A lot of CULTURE.

And a whole lot of LOVE.

I would miss out on me.

Maybe you knew all of this already. Me. Unscripted.

Yet you read it through.

I admire that.

But if I forgot.. you let me know.

Barby :]]